September 1999, I came to Wales, United Kingdom to further my studies. Alone, without any friends with me. Being the eldest and under the eagle eyes of my parents. It was my 1st time away from home. Since young, I have been very much protected by my parents. I was born into a life where I do not have to worry a single thing. Most things I asked for, I would get it thus my decision to leave my protected environment in Singapore. I wanted to be independent. I wanted freedom. Away from the eyes of my parents. I left home miserably in search for my freedom and independent.

First year was a torture. The first day I arrived, I was hopeless. I was sad that I have to travel all the way from Singapore myself. My 1st trip away and no one is here with me. I felt so ALONE. Reaching the dorm, I saw students with parents around them, helping them to settle down. While my parents are thousand of miles away from me.I broke down and cry in my cold empty (then) dorm. It was small and miserable. I do not feel 'at home' in there. I called my parents in Singapore and start crying away and caused them tremendous worry. Dad even volunteer to fly over the next day. I declined his offer and and was determine to stay strong. And kept telling myself that X'mas break will be here very fast and I will once see my parents and family and friends again. Basically, 1st year was a crying year for me. I cried alot and I mean alot. So many times I called C for comfort. I have lovely friends that i know from my flat. The girls in there were so nice BUT they are NOT my friends in Singapore. They are NOT B and C. I missed my life so badly in Singapore. My pampered lifestyle. Life without worrying about laundry, doing dishes and so on. I was SO pampered.

2nd year and 3rd year went past so fast. I graduated from my BSc degree. Even though I graduated from a second lower. I know my parents were so proud of me. The girl whom always has been the lousiest in class. Each year topping the class from the bottom since Primary school and Secondary school actually went to University and majored in Architecture. I know people whom I knew in Primary and Secondary school were amazed it. During gatherings, I told them what im studying. They were surprised. Well, no one can hide that LOOK from me. I can feel it. Im born sensitive. Thats who I am.

During my 4th year, It was Internship year. We had to work for a minimum of 9 months. For the 1st 5 months, I did my stint in an mid-size Architecture firm in Manchester. The people in the firm were really nice and warm BUT I do not have a sense of belonging. I felt so alone in there and in Manchester. I decided to move home to complete my Internship. In Singapore, the internship company i worked for was a big size one. There are hundreds of people in the company. I may be a small pea in there BUT i made lots of friends whom I have no regrets knowing. They brought life to me and happiness to my diminishing circle of friends. You see, when I went overseas to study. I lost touch with lots of friends. People grew apart when they grow older. Only my TRUE friends stayed on with me when im back in Singapore. BUT they have their own life and friends too. I get lonely at times and working in the singapore architecture company really widen my social circles. We had such great fun in there. The chilling out session at nearly every friday. A quick dinner filled with gossips and the long working hours. Everything that happens that was FUN.

GOing back to do my 5th year was really hard. It is really a bad start. I got so used to the relax lifestyle. My brain was cooked from not using it much to think of concept. When i was working. It was more like what I have to do and do what I have do complete. Back in UNI, they expect us to do what we want to do. SUddenly I felt so lost. SO LOST. I think I have lost the touch of architecture. The huge weight on deciding a concept tires me out. Being dump into a group i didnt wanted did not help too. The tutor is fierce BUT good. HE pointed alot of things I should be thinking which I am not. He is fierce to me but im hoping its for my own good not because he dont like me. Im so used to tutors who just go on with what i do and not pin out whats really wrong with my ideas.

BUT now, I am so lost. Yesterday i was ask : why do u want to do architecture? What is the architecture you like ? I was speechless and I DO NOT know how to answer back. That was then, I knew something is wrong. I have lost my touch for architecture. I used to be able to think and reply fast. BUT somehow for this primer project. I cant! I get tongue tight alot. Alot of nights, I felt like just giving up. BUt the thoughts of disappointing my parents are stopping me. Changing course even came to my mind. Maybe I should do something else.

I called my parents earlier. They were complaining how long I have not called them. It was like about 2 weeks. I am under so much stress. I dread calling home cause I know when they asked me why didnt I call home. I am scared that I will burst out crying. That is one thing I DO NOT want my parents to be worried about. I choose this path. I am determine to finish it. BUT Im not sure how long I can take it. Its only the 1st third of the whole course and Im already collapsing. Im so scare. Really really SCARE.

I have no friends here. So sick of making friends here and then being betrayed by them. Im so used to my life in Singapore. My friends and family there. I know I belong there. plans of continuing working in UK were scrapped after I realised how much happier i was while i was working in SIngapore. Lower pay, longer hours BUT I was happier.


BUT now, I know... Im not happy. Dont worry, Im not sucidal BUT im not sure how long I can hold on to myself. The times I have let myself downs hurts so much more than letting others down. I wanna survive through all these.

I hope I can.

I really hope I can. . . . . . . . .

Crying helps. . .
After crying, I felt so much better.
But how much more tears do i have to tear ?

The future suddenly lies bleak ahead.


kris.